omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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