Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
