Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
whose ass print is on the piano?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
