I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
