I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
