i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
