I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
