dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
