i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
