The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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