Ambien. No doubt about it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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