The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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