If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
