I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
