it was like eating out sand paper
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
