wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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