did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
