Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
