You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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