I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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