I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
