1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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