good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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