dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
