6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
