Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
