life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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