I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
not ubering you a puppy
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
