omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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