census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
