The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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