Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm too high and old for this...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
