neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
