My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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