The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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