i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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