It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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