he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
why do cheetos always look like penises
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
