new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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