I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
