Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
