Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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