I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
