if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
