i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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