There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
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