I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
