This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
