walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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