I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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