just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
