The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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