Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
